This is my grandfather Ysidro
The picture was oviously taken some decades ago, when my mother was my age. This post will be more centered on him than in my modeling; because my blog is to talk about myself, not only about my modeling career, and my grandfather is one of the biggest influences I have ever had.
He died aroun 6 months ago, I didn't write it here because the last thing I needed then was to make a post about it, I needed time for my family, time for myself. It's on the nature of life to see the grandparents die, but that doesn't make it easier to pass through. His dead helped me realize lots of things, I have always known I loved him, but never knew he had such an impact in my life. I am trying hard not to cry. Loosing him was not just loosing a grandfather, it was loosing a role model, a figure I admired, a beloved one, a friend... I felt so small, he was a genious, I am nobody, I have thrown my life into a spiral of lazyness and when looking at Grandfather Ysidro I feel like I don't deserve him.
I would start here talking about all the things he did, but he wouldn't like me to do that, he didn't want to be on top, he just wanted to study and learn. He could be one of the most recognized doctors on the last century but he didn't want to and he kept writing his books in silence, studyin the cancer and learning, always learning, always listening to everybody even when they were a lot less experienced on medicine than him.
He lived for cancer and cancer killed him.
After he died, a cousin talked to me, she told me that the Grandfather spoke to her and said that is sad to see me outside college, failing and failing easy tests, because I am smart and I could do great things. That broke me down, I have those words hiting my ears since then. I wish I could have told my grandfather "I am studying physics and I got great grades!", but I couldn't, and not even now I am studying physics. I wish I was; I wish someday on the future I could feel like I deserve him.
I could keep talking about him, but I am feeling bad.
So, this are pictures taken by Ben Chislett some weeks ago, and I think they are raw, wish you like them, it was my first time working with a foreigner photographer.
I was the second on Lady Allura's latex contest, dunno why it did end already when the set deadline was for Halloween, don't understand why I am not even on the runners up when I was the second, but who cares anyway. I will get some latex somewhere else. =p
Wish I could say more stuff, but I just can think about him. Sorry for getting so personal and emotive today, but it's a piece too big for my life not to talk about it.
